Week 46

I  have been 42 for 46 weeks now.

It has been a full, full week… but I have made it out the other side…

 

Tossing in the Towel

I had been holding on to something that I have been spending the last month or so working on letting go.

Panda.

Panda and I go back years; we met one another when we were taking a class together. Panda doesn’t live on PEI year-round because he fishes off-Island from spring until mid-fall.

When Panda was on the Island last winter, we spent more time together while hanging out with a mutual friend (that he was living with at the time).

Then one stormy night I was at their friend’s house, playing music and drinking. I got storm-stayed…. yes, I went to my own bed in the spare room, but I didn’t stay there. I crawled into Panda’s bed and the two of us stayed up all night talking… and doing ‘grown-up’ things… but, mostly talking.

It was amazing. Anyways, the next little while the two of us hung out a lot… we went for coffee, we had lunch, we watched movies… we did lots of things together. We were essentially dating without actually calling it “dating”. He very quickly became my go-to person… he let me vent about my past relationship with Ray (Ray and I were broken up at this point… Ray and I broke up the day after my birthday although he and I didn’t talk about it or tell anyone for a while), we talked about my family, we talked about my hysterectomy, we talked about everything. Everything.

And then it was time for Panda to leave. We both knew it was going to happen and we went our separate ways without really wanting to say good-bye.

We remained close. As close as we could be with the distance between us– we texted a lot, we sent one another mail, we talked on the phone.

But we weren’t a relationship. We were never a relationship. Panda didn’t want one (or at least not one with me). You see, Panda is much, much older than me– 18 years older. I never noticed the age gap… I only noticed how loving, and funny, and sincere, and kind Panda is. Panda saw all my awesomeness, but was too hung up on the age gap. We were never a “relationship”, despite our hearts being occupied by one another.

I visited him for a weekend in the summer and it was fantastic, until the age thing became an issue again…but even as we parted, it seemed like it was something we needed to over-look.

Yet. We were never a relationship.

Panda didn’t come back to PEI after fishing season this fall because his momma has cancer and he stayed home to help her travel to and from her treatments and to care for her.

About six weeks ago I was asked out on a date by someone who wasn’t Panda– before I decided anything, I told Panda. I told him that I would feel like I was cheating on him if I were to go out with someone else…  but he told me I should go out on the date. I went on the date. It was okay, but not what (or who) I wanted. I told Panda all about it afterward.

Since then, however, I had been trying to distance myself from Panda. I wanted him to focus on his momma and not be distracted by me and I wanted to focus on myself and my own needs.

So, that’s what I was doing.

Then a few weeks ago we texted and he said his momma is finished her treatments and he wanted to come over to PEI for a visit before Christmas.

My heart jumped. And I was sucked right into Panda once again… we texted regularly and it was decided he’d come over the first weekend of December. Then it stormed… so he said he’d be over the second weekend of December (as in this past weekend).

On Tuesday I asked him how his plans were coming for the weekend. Later that evening he messaged me– he had been out for a coffee with a woman who asked him if he’d like to escort her to a Christmas party on the weekend. He then told me he planned on attending the party because he was excited to see lots of other people he hadn’t seen in a long time and was looking forward to letting off some steam.

I basically told him off. He told me to text him in a couple of days when I was less upset.

Wednesday morning I texted him. I told him that I was tossing in the towel. I was done. I told him that I am letting him go because he decided to not come to PEI so that he could, literally, go on a date with another woman. I also reminded him that HE was the one who made the plans to come over, and he knew how excited I was to have him come for a visit. I then reminded him that I have had a super shitty 2016 (and he is the only person that I have told EVERYTHING TO, he knows how shitty my 2016 has been) and I didn’t want to carry any of it into 2017.

So, in the end I was done.

I got home from work that evening, stood in the shower for 20 minutes and cried, then I hermited myself away in the basement while drank all the beer.

I drank all the beer. And I cried all the tears. And I processed all the bullshit. And I let my Panda go.

I was sad. I am no longer sad. I have processed it and I’m moving on.

Seriously though, this is just so fucking typical of my 2016. This year can’t be over soon enough. That being said, the rest of my week was pretty awesome!

 

Deck the Halls

Friday evening ‘T’ and I went out and bought a real tree for the house! We actually got it from a couple who live around the corner from my parents and are selling pre-cut trees on their front lawn. It cost us $20 AND the man delivered it to our door! We brought it inside and set it up on the tree stand and let it acclimatize to the house over Saturday.

On Sunday, Ivan, ‘T’, and I took some time to decorate the tree. We played the old classic Christmas tunes, drank some hot chocolate, laughed, and took our time putting all of the decorations up on the tree. It looks great! And all of us had such a fun time, which was something we all needed.

 

Christmas Shopping

Of course, it’s that time of year! Ivan and I spent the day together on Saturday and did all of our Christmas shopping. (Well, I didn’t get ALL of my shopping done, obviously, I couldn’t shop for Ivan when he was with me.)

It was so much fun! And, well, Ivan certainly has some very thoughtful (and interesting) choices for gift-giving… he’s a hoot. I can’t wait until people see what we got for them this year.

 

A Drive with the Ex

Yes, that’s right. Ray and I went for a drive on Sunday afternoon after ‘T’, Ivan, and I decorated the tree. As I was going through the Christmas stuff, I came across some of Ray’s stuff (some of it not inexpensive) that I figured he’d like to have back.

Ya. So we grabbed a coffee and took a random drive all over the place and talked about life. I told him about Panda (whom he did know about… this isn’t the first time we’ve hung out since our break-up, nor was this the first conversation we’ve had about Panda), and he talked about his girlfriend. It was nice to talk with him in a platonic, non-stressful way. I had a few moments of sadness, when I was thinking about some of our past Christmases and the fun we had with his family… but I also had a few moments of “oh yeah… THAT’S why we aren’t together…”

An aside: He’s in a relationship now… but she is not the right person for him (or maybe he isn’t the right person for her?). She might be good for now, but she isn’t good forever–  I can tell by the way he talks about her… I hope he doesn’t settle.

 

In Retrospect

The whole Panda thing seems super heavy, but really, I am good. I had a rough few days last week, but I am good. I have processed and I’m moving on. Don’t worry about me, I’m not worried.

 

To End… A Song

Yes. This one: